"Piece of paper"

We've all heard people say this in regards to two things really: degrees and marriage. Some of you have said it yourself. I'm going to tell you why these words piss me the hell off.

"Piece of paper": Degree.

So often people attempt to belittle degrees as pieces of paper. They throw around names like Bill Gates, who dropped out of college or Mark Z or whoever. There is a major flaw in this logic................................you are not Bill Gates. I know, it seems almost mundane to mention but I think people need that wake up call. Gates is one of the most brilliant minds in the world, chances are you are not. He also has a great respect for education, hence why he pays for thousands of students to attend university. For those of you who don't know, which if you've ever mentioned him during this "piece of paper" debate you probably don't know...Gates himself mentioned how it was timing that caused him to drop out of school. A huge part of success is your market entry point and he knew to be successful and ride that impending dotcom bubble he had to act at that moment, tis why he left Harvard to start his company. Oh yea, not to mention he was at Harvard to begin with so that says a lot in itself...and his parents were very well off so these are all reasons he differs from the average person and is not good for this argument.

Now that we understand why Bill Gates isn't a good argument for this "piece of paper" debate, let's talk about this piece of paper. My (as is everyone else's) piece of paper is a representation of what's in my brain. Could I have mastered chemical engineering without studying it in school? Maybe, books are available to everyone. The likelihood that someone without a chemical engineering degree (or 100 years of experience) is more versed in chemical engineering than me? Slim to none. That's the point of this "piece of paper". It proves to anyone upon glancing that one knows more in a certain subject than the layman. It's the reason you go to a licensed doctor for surgery instead of yo patna' nem. Because of that piece of paper you trust a (wo)man you've probably never met to cut you open. So yes, I hang my piece of paper in an expensive frame in my dining room because I worked 4.5 long years for the knowledge that that paper represents.

This is not to say a degree is the only way to success or that money is success. However, in this day and age a degree greatly increases your chances of feeding yourself. Our children will have it even worse so don't downplay education for them...what was once considered a luxury will be a necessity for survival for the next generation. I measure success in a lot of ways...family, spiritual life, the good you've done for the world, monetarily is last. Statistics even lean toward people with degrees having a higher marriage rate...which makes sense because college is a great place to meet a potential mate. I know dozens of newlyweds or newly engaged classmates. It appears that piece of paper could be helpful in more ways than one in life.

"Piece of paper": Marriage.

I've heard people say they don't need that "piece of paper" or "piece of jewelry" to know they are loved or whatever. I think this is something people say to make themselves feel better. It's usually only women that say it too...well that say it publically, probably because their boyfriends have told them that privately ha! Now, I'm not married so I'm speaking as an outsider but it seems utterly disrespectful to the institute of marriage to reduce it to a piece of paper or a piece of jewelry. If you are religious, or at least believe in a god you know that marriage is more than a piece of paper. It's a uniting before God...one soul, inhabiting two bodies. In most religious dominations it's one of the single most important things you can do...besides having faith. Marriage allows you to reproduce favorably in God's eyes, it allows you to multiple your love and travel through this life sharing God with another person.

If you're not religious, in this country being married offers you a lot of advantages and responsibilities. In the eyes of the law, you literally become one...all your assets merge, even if you don't put the other's name on your bank account if push came to shove they can still access it because they're your spouse. You are giving a person full rights to your estate and your last breath if it comes to it. Not to mention, fiscally marriage makes sense. One rent/mortgage, one insurance, one set of bills, etc. My boyfriend and I live together and it's much more expensive for us both to pay separate health insurance than it would be to have a family plan. There are all types of other little discounts I'm probably unaware of that come with being married, haha.  That piece of paper might save you some paper!

Lastly, for the pure vanity of the situation. Even wild animals like to mark their territory, we have those same urges (minus the piss please). I've heard stories of atheists saying once they were married, it "just felt different" than when they were dating. There's something truly special about confessing before your friends, family and the world that you want to be with another person for the rest of your life. It garners respect kinda in the same way I mentioned having a baby does. I'm a young person in the professional world so no one expects for me to be married (which I'm not), but I know how tones change around people that are. Older people find it pleasantly surprising and a camaraderie is born. There's something vulnerable about a man giving a woman access to his checkbook and monogamy, women like that. Don't fool yourself into thinking it's just a piece of paper because you know it means more.

These two things aren't all life is about, I hope that's not how this post came across. They are however, important parts of life and should not be minimized to just a "piece of paper".

     

Guest Writer: On Cookships

A number of friends of mine have blogs. Some of my closest friends and I decided to guest write on each other's blogs...here's my first guest writer! My buddy, DJ, has a food/baking blog. Having eaten her baked goodies I can let y'all know that you can definitely trust her recipes!! Visit her at  DJ's Mixing Bowl. She came to share her thoughts on how cooking has grown personal relationships for her and even shared a yummy recipe! Without further adieu...

The relationship that a mother has with her daughter is a very special thing. Through that relationship she can raise and shape her daughter into the person that she will be once she grows up.  A mother is the person that her daughter wants to emulate, make proud and learn from. Mothers are one of the most important figures in a young lady’s life and it is imperative that the relationship and the bond that gets formed between mother and daughter be a good one. I will also extend this to grandmothers, aunts, mentors and cousins because these women can also have a hand in bringing up a young girl. I was fortunate enough to have a mother, a grandmother as well as a few aunts. I value each relationship that I have with the aforementioned women but I find myself looking up to my grandmother the most and reflecting on the things that we did together over the years.

Something that is very important to me is cooking and baking and everything that I know about cooking, I know it from my grandmother who I like to call “granny”. I started hopping along as my granny’s shadow when I was 7 or so and would get sent to Georgia for summer break. The very first thing we ever made together was a grilled cheddar cheese sandwich (I cook my grilled cheeses the exact same way to this day almost 20 years later) and as the cliché goes…the rest was history. When we get together, cooking and baking is what we do. It’s how we bonded and how we continue to bond. I can pick up the phone right now and ask my granny what is the best way to season a pot of collard greens, or how to make a quick gravy or how to jazz up some super dry peaches that I mistakenly bought and not only will she tell me but it will jump the conversation off and three hours later we will have completely caught up on everything that’s happened in our lives since the last time we talked.

I look up to her, I want her to be proud of me and I would do anything for this woman and I know that she would do the same for me. I’ve hopped in the car and driven the 2 hours to Augusta to see about her with my own to eyes and make sure everything that she needs is taken care of and that she’s okay. And once again, she’s done the same for me. Cooking is how we started our relationship and it is also how we maintain it along with good communication and quality time. I really think that that’s the key, finding an activity to do and building the relationship and the bond from said activity. My granny will probably always cook circles around me because there is so much knowledge up there but I feel confident in saying that I’ve surpassed her in the baking departmentJ.

There are lots of vehicles for a mother to use to form bonds and relationships with her daughter(s): sports, musical instruments, reading, knitting, dancing, sewing, DIY projects, arts & crafts, shopping and of course cooking and baking. I wrote primarily about what I did with my grandmother because I think that my relationship with her is the strongest and has lasted the longest. I do have a relationship and a bond with my mom but it’s been broken many times over the years for reasons that I won’t get into on this post. When we try to reform, it’s never as good as the last time, even though I wish that it was. But I digress…forming these bonds with a daughter starts at a young age and if they aren’t formed or if they aren’t formed tight enough then as she grows up, you both will grow apart and she’ll be looking to someone else to help her figure herself out and it may not be a grandmother, or an aunt or a female mentor. It could be the absolute last person that you would ever want your daughter looking to. I don’t have kids yet but one day I hope to and I also hope to have a strong relationship with them. And if I have a daughter, cooking and baking will most likely be a HUGE part of our relationship. Lastly, I want to leave you with a recipe for a cake that my grandmother and I love to bake together and eat together, I hope you like it.   

Italian Cream Cake

(Adapted from www.allrecipes.com)

CAKE Ingredients:                                           FROSTING INGREDIENTS:

½ cup margarine, softened ½ cup shortening 2 cups white sugar 5 egg yolks 2 cups all-purpose flour 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup buttermilk 2 tsp lemon extract 1½ cups flaked coconut 1 cup chopped walnuts 5 egg whites

8 ounces cream cheese ½ cup butter, softened 4 cups confectioners' sugar 2 tsp lemon extract ½ cup flaked coconut ½ cup chopped walnuts

Directions:

1.	Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour three 8-inch round cake pans.
2.	Beat egg whites until they form stiff peaks.
3.	In a large bowl, cream margarine and shortening until light. Add white sugar, and beat until fluffy. Beat in egg yolks. Stir together flour and baking soda, and add alternately with buttermilk into the creamed mixture; mix well after each addition. Stir in lemon extract, coconut, and walnuts. Fold in stiffly beaten egg whites. Spoon into prepared pans.
4.	Bake for 25 to 40 minutes. Cool in pans for 10 minutes. Remove to wire rack to cool completely.
5.	Using a mixer, combine cream cheese, margarine in a bowl until the two are creamed together. Add in confectioners' sugar, and lemon extract. Beat until smooth and then add coconut. Frost the cooled cake. Sprinkled the walnuts on top of the cake after it is frosted.

On North West

So the business of naming babies can be tough for a lot of people, especially couples. Naming your offspring in a couple should go by the 2 yeses, 1 no rule...meaning both have to agree, if one person doesn't it's scrapped. Luckily, my significant other and I were headed in the same direction as far as naming and once we agreed we were set. But even before you get to the point of agreeing, you have to have options. This is tricky for most "regular" people. By regular, I mean the type of people who wouldn't name their child North West.

Celebrities have taken naming children to a whole 'nother level so to speak. They have broken all common knowledge rules in the naming department. I assume because (I don't mean to be harsh) but their children are part of the business. Pregnant celebrities have been able to actually increase their popularity and revenue while pregnant much more than years ago when in order to not lose job(s) you had to hide your pregnancy. Media pays out big money to be the first to break to story, or have birth photos, or name info. Sooo why not name your child Moxie Crimefighter? It makes money! The other reason I would assume they do this is because by most people's measure of success, their children already are. Most of us attempt to name our children something that won't hinder them in becoming successful, we think about things like Dr. So-n-so or So-n-so, CEO. Celebrity children are already rich so middle finger to your success haha.

For the vast majority of us, we should not go by celebrity standards. Little North West will not be hindered by her name, doors will open for her regardless...your kid on the other hand may not be so lucky if you decide to name him or her Pilot Inspektor.

I've recently taken a glimpse into the world of "name nerds". This is sort of an underground world full of people that know too much etymology and word roots for their own good and have very strong opinions. I've been blown away by this discovery of "name nerds" and fascinated all the same. They consider any name that doesn't follow these "rules" to be setting your child up for teasing and unemployment. I wanted to share with you all what I've learned or heard about naming little ones and some of the things I considered when naming my daughter, Parker.

1. Spelling, spelling, SPELLING! I cannot stress this enough. This is one I feel strongly about and I'm not a name nerd. Spell them chil'ren names correctly...please people. It is not "yooneek" to spell little Elizabeth's name Alyzzabef, it's stupid. You get unique names by using legitimate names that aren't common, not by spelling common names incorrectly. On the playground are you going to call her "Elizabeth with the a"? Probably not, so if you like Elizabeth, name her Elizabeth (or the other legit spelling Elisabeth). That also counts for names that defy all the rules of phonics. CONSONANTS AREN'T SILENT. At least not in the English language so no little Marztin isn't 'Mar-ten with a silent z', he's "Marz-ten" which is just...dumb.
2. Etymology. Name nerds go crazy on etymology, which is the history of words. Most people think of names as something different than words thus we feel justified in changing the spelling of word or place names because "it's a name, not a place" (i.e. Dallas spelled Dallys). Name nerds, however, will tell you that's not correct. Names are derived from words which have meanings and etymologies. For example: Alice, is from the Aalis which is short for a Germanic name Adalheidis and became popular in the 12th century. If you continue to follow the history the Germanic name basically means "noble kind". This is where I slightly disagree with name nerds...I mean I understand the annoyance of "made up" names but to me a long history doesn't mean it has meaning. Alice really doesn't have a meaning, which is fine btw. I feel like as long as the name doesn't mean anything bad it doesn't have to be a meaning that's close to the parent's. Parker's name fits into the "occupation name" category meaning park keeper. It doesn't hold a special meaning to her father or myself but it's not a bad meaning and we liked the name so we kept it. Which leads me to the next point..
3. "Boy names" on girls. Name nerds HATE this trend. This is my biggest gripe with them. So they hate Mc/Mac names on girls and names that end in -son. These names with that prefix (Mackenzie) or suffix (Madison) literally mean "son of___". For example: Emerson, literally means "son of Emery". It does seem kinda weird to name your daughter "son of" anything, I agree there. That opened my eyes to that and I will know for my future child to steer clear of those types of names even though I have a soft spot for Mackenzie on a girl. [Al(l)ison is different in this respect, it's a diminutive of Alice so it doesn't mean "son of".] Where I find issue is names that don't have anything meaning male in it's meaning but is historically used on males. Like Parker, as I stated before it's an occupation...a female can be a parker so why is it considered a boy name? The same with Cooper or Sawyer, etc. Name nerds have some type of way binned traditional surnames into the "boy name" category and I don't think that's right. Lots of surnames have crossed over into first names, first used on males but open to all...Aubrey, Ashley, Courtney, Stacey, etc. Yes, those were first commonly used on males (Drake's mom didn't give him a girl name) but have crossed into female territory, at least in our country. In many places around the world Ashley and Alexis are still very much a male names. One thing a name nerd said to me that I can understand is she hated the trend because parents of boys are terrified for their sons to be in class with a girl of his name so they will go overboard for hyper-masculine names. She believes it will start of trend of little boys named Shark and Dick and other cracked up masculine names. I can understand her sentiment to an extent, at the same time I went to school with male and female Sidneys and Morgans and no one thought twice about it. Hopefully, parents of boys are trending toward not being so sexist and won't mind a female Elliott in their son Elliott's class.
4. Trends and popularity. Name nerds wait in  joyful anticipation for the annual report of babies named in the the year by the Social Security office. If' you've never seen the list, google it. You can search by state or name and get it's popularity. There is an extended list of the top 1000 names in the country. Seriously, who knew this existed?! Anyway, name nerds loathe naming their children anything in the Top 100, some of them don't even consider names in the Top 500 as they are "too popular". They watch trends and steer clear of names that name been moving upward in recent years...crazy right?! I understand the idea of not wanting your child to be one of 1000 in their school but seriously it won't kill them if there's another kid in the county with their name. I find this most fascinating of the nerds' quirks. 
5. Flow. Name nerds are the masters of flow. The first and middle and last name must have proper flow which means: no repeating endings and beginnings (for example: Carter Warner or Sophia Maria), it must not be adjective + noun (Blue Ivy, Scarlett Summer), and both names, first and middle, must be of similar styles (Macpaizley Lillian or Arthur Bentley). I agree except I think flow can be sacrificed for family names. I gave my daughter, and will give my future child(ren) family middle names because they hold significance. I would try my best to pick a family name that flowed nicely with the first name I chose but if not...oh well.
6. "Sibset". I've never even thought of this before...and I find it kinda strange. It's short for "sibling set" as in, the names of all your children together. According to name nerds, all your children's names must sound good together. It's weird to me because kids no matter if they have the same parents doesn't mean they come in a boxed set. They're individuals. This also doesn't leave room for if your "naming style" changes over the years. I like unisex names, obviously but I named my daughter at 22...if I have another daughter at 32 and like traditional names then that won't do. I can't have a female Parker and an Elizabeth...you "can't" mix unisex and traditional because they'll say Parker sounds like Elizabeth's brother. Having taken a peek into their world, I must say as ridiculous as I find this notion some names do fit together better than others haha. I wouldn't consider naming future children based on my other kids, it doesn't seem fair to me.

So I'll continue viewing this whole world of name nerdy as an outsider lol. It has caused me to look at names differently but really I just think some people are utterly ridiculous. Although Rosemary has a long history, good meaning, and hasn't been in the top 500 in the last 25 years doesn't mean she won't get teased (because kids can be cruel) or that it's attractive to the majority. There's a reason Sophia is the most popular name in this country...most people find it attractive.

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse and think once, twice and three times before naming your future children. Just because you love Fifi doesn't mean your child should have to carry that for the rest of her life. Choose wisely...and most importantly spell it correctly.

:)

On Daddyless Daughters...(Part Deux)

I was really excited about Oprah's series. As I stated before, I needed someone to put my thoughts and feelings into words and who's better at that than Oprah?! I also wanted to bleed out the pain, I wanted to be healed. I don't want to carry the daddyless burden anymore...I don't want that baggage in my relationship with my boyfriend, in my relationship with my daughter and future children, or in my relationship with myself. I decided to go into it without the fear and embarrassment that comes with facing your issues head on.

In case you missed this series, the style was classic Oprah show-esque. She sat onstage in her studio with an audience around her. Most of the time she was accompanied by relationship expert, Iyanla Vanzant, sometimes Dr. Steve Perry and Geoffrey Canada were onstage, often they were in front row of the audience. I was thankful they made such a heavy situation as light as possible, there was laughter and smiling from both the experts and the audience. At times the audience was on the verge of tears or crying. As a viewer I was on the verge of tears a couple times.

I came out of it feeling refreshed. Mission accomplished.

There was a number of things that struck me in this taping. The first (in no particular order actually lol) was when Geoffery Canada (who is a daddyless son) mentioned why he thought his dad was absent. He thought his dad just needed to know how awesome he was and they'd get that connection and he'd love him. I remember feeling that EXACT thing, like, if he just knew how great of a kid I was he'd be sure to love me and come around...ha! The panelist went on to talk about how people fill the void of their daddy by overcompensating or over-committing. I don't think I attempted to overcompensate to fill the void but I definitely became a people pleaser. I hate letting people down and internalize disappointment.

Another was the 2 ways a father's absence impacts daughters: self sacrifice and promiscuity. Dr. Perry explained promiscuity as self mutilation and I totally agree. While I wasn't promiscuous, I did date "unavailable men" thinking that it was all fun, I wasn't hurting anyone. Except I was, I was hurting myself  and I am someone. Self sacrificing comes in many forms, one of the most prevalent for daddyless daughters is staying in unhealthy relationships for the kids. Iyanla mentioned how your self sacrifice ends up turning into sacrificing your kids. I'm not surprised, we've all known of couples who "stay together for the kids" and really they're doing the kids a greater disservice.

My Oprah infamous "aha moment" came from this line: "Daddy teaches daughter how to be in a nonsexual relationship with a man." This was said very early into the show so it opened me up and made me receive everything better. It was brilliant and made perfect sense! It's the neon sign plastered on daddyless daughters' heads. Some type of way we ooze "I don't know how to have nonsexual relationship with the opposite sex". I've wondered why a good number of my male friends attempted to be more with me even when they didn't like me like me. It's also the reason most of us use sex as a way to keep a guy around or thinking that if you didn't a guy couldn't or wouldn't like you. [Don't get me wrong, I have male friends that are ONLY friends and have never been any less than that. I say less because being another notch under someone's belt isn't more than being a friend.] It's the lesson mamas can't teach you, because they are of the same sex. We're socialized from a young age to interact with the opposite sex a "certain" way. In elementary school your teacher or lunch lady teases you about liking little so-and-so because you enjoy his/her company on the playground or at the lunch table. Then opposite sex relationships become competitive. Around 3rd grade or so girls undergo major growth spurts and are able to beat boys in basketball. Even though the relationship is non-sexual it's still based on what you can do. I didn't have meaningful nonsexual relationships with males until well into high school and I didn't understand the importance of them until college. My male friends offer me invaluable interactions.

According to Iyanla, here's how you move on. First tell the "Radical Truth", on the show she made the audience profess "I am a daddyless daughter". I did it with them. I got choked up when she made one audience member confess that she sometimes felt worthless. She explained it as a "level of emotional dishonesty" you need to filter through in order to live your better life.

The next thing daddyless daughters need to do is tell your story and cut down to 10 words. Your story being what you think or wanted from a daddy and what you did to compensate for the lack of daddy. I've told my story but you all wouldn't want to read a 10 word blog post so I thought I'd give y'all more ;)

Next, forgive yourself for what you told yourself about yourself. Reread that, I know it's a little much. Basically, daddyless children tend to blame themselves for their father's neglect. It's not your fault. What I learned during that 4 years of getting to know my father is that men that leave their children are scum. It has nothing to do with who YOU are, it's who THEY are. Forgive yourself for what you told yourself about yourself.

All in all I was happily healed. Once the credits rolled I didn't feel sad because I am a daddyless daughter. Iyanla's last advice was a 3 step plan; reclaim yourself, redefine yourself and recreate yourself. You are no longer a daddyless daughter, you are what you have become...

P.S. My daughter got hold to my computer halfway through this post. I've proofread but if there's a random letter inserted somewhere that I didn't catch please forgive me lol.

On Daddyless Daughters...(Part Une)

Oprah, the Great, did a two part Life Class called "Daddyless Daughters". In this series she explored the woes of women raised "daddyless". Daddyless was defined a couple different ways in the series but the only one I'll focus on in this post is the absent father because that's the category I fit in.

My story is not unlike most children with absent fathers. At some point between my conception and birth my father decided I wasn't worthy of his presence, time, love, etc. I grew up without him. I remember meeting him at some point...I think I was about 7 or 8 and he came around for 2 days I believe. It could be my child mind making time seem drawn out but I definitely remember him spending at least the entire day with me. I remember being so excited. He showed me videos of my older brother playing football and told me how we'd love each other when we met. I knew of my younger sister who was by his wife at the time. He gave me his number and said I could call him whenever and he'd be there yada yada yada. This is where memory gets fuzzy because I can't remember if it was the next day or weeks later but I remember him coming over again to have a talk with me. I don't remember any of his words but he said what I now know to have been a goodbye because I didn't speak with him for years after that. Anyway, I called him and I remember his wife hanging up on me sometimes, or sometimes leaving me on hold so long I eventually hung up, or telling me he wasn't there...which could have very well been true or he could have been doing the whole "shaking his head no" in the background or...whatever. [She later apologized for her behavior btw.] I remember I finally gave up calling...probably with my mother's encouragement.

So I continued my life daddyless. Growing a hatred for him, it wasn't something that consumed me (at the time) but it was there.

When I was "graduating" from 8th grade I wanted to call his mother and tell them how I "did it without them" because, you know,...graduating 8th grade is a big accomplishment and all hahaha. My mom gave me a phone book and told me her name and street...ain't that some shit, I had to find my biological grandmother in a phone book...but anyway, I looked it up and gave her a ring. She answered and after some initial introduction she knew exactly who "her grandbaby" was *eyerolls*. I told her how I was graduating 8th grade with no help from any of them...she promised me she'd be at the graduation if I told her the day and time. I obliged. She showed up and brought him with her, and he brought my older brother. I finally met my sibling I'd heard so much about! [Now would be a good time to tell you that I knew exactly where he was, he my older brother and he my father. You see, Detroit isn't that big (especially when your older brother is one of the best athletes in the state) and my older brother played football for a team that my aunt's new husband coached for...my father also coached the team. My brother played football with my older cousin and another one of my cousin's went to the same high school. He was "hidden in plain sight" if you will. I later found out that my new uncle had confronted my father about it which I think has something to do with why he showed to the graduation.] I was immediately enamored by my older brother...I always wanted to be able to say "my big brother gone kick [insert boy's name] butt" hahaha. Perhaps too much television but the idea appealed to me lol.

Anyway, I'll cut out some details but this was the beginning of attempts to build a relationship that lasted throughout high school. I found out I had another brother, who I call my "ghetto twin" because I'm a month older than him. I found out none of my other siblings knew about my existence, which my father blamed on the fact that I moved to Texas. Which I did move to Texas when I was an infant because my single mother needed assistance from her parents who were in Texas, I had been back in Detroit since I was 5 but he gave them the impression that I just got back ha! I grew a relationship with my siblings. My father got married to another woman and had another child (he should seriously be neutered). Then it all ended. It ended about a week after my high school graduation. He was bitter he didn't get a ticket to graduation...now in my defense, I only had 5 tickets and I graduated in a park. Everyone was welcome but tickets guaranteed a seat under the pavilion while those without tickets had to sit on the grass. Secondly, even during our 4 year "relationship" he still wasn't a star dad so of the top 5 people that helped me get across that stage...he didn't make the cut. Supposedly he came but left before I could see him. The week following my graduation was a banquet for a scholarship I was awarded. The banquet was $100/plate and I got two tickets. The perfect number for my mother and little sister (my mom's second child, who I was raised with). I didn't mention it to him because I mean I really didn't mention it to anyone since the tickets were so expensive. Well this was another blow to his ego because the owner of the foundation that gave me the scholarship was mutual friends of his and my mother. So the lady (who my little sister calls Auntie) mentioned his absence at his daughter's honor. He called me upset because he wasn't invited despite "everything he's done for me" and how he "could have helped me out in college because of blah blah blah connection". I'll just say Mama Bear handled that situation and I've never spoken to him since.

Now, I've never wanted to admit being hurt or lacking something because of his absence. I felt it would be disrespectful to my mother who did an amazing job, if I must say so myself :) I also had a very active grandfather, uncles and later a stepfather who were all willing father figures to me. In college an experience made me finally admit what I had known...I was scarred by having an absent father.

During college, I (let's say dated to spare my mother's feelings) dated a guy. We were not serious and it was fun. One time, I forgot why, I asked him something about if you could tell when a girl was raised without a father...he said, yes. I asked how and he said "you [general] just can." He later went on to actually date a girl who was raised in a two parent household (of course we had other differences and in fairness they were a better 'fit'). This is not to vilify him because I agreed to the terms and conditions and was fully aware of what we were (or weren't) but the situation changed me. It was the single experience that made me admit my issue...self worth. It has to be the bright neon sign plastered on most daddyless daughters' forehead right? How could I get over it without confronting my father? [I was not, and still am not willing to do that.] Why did my father's absence make me feel bad about myself despite my mother's, grandfather's, step-father's presence? I needed someone to put it into words...

insert Oprah...

On Raising Daughters

So before I actually started my blog I had ideas of posts floating around my head, by the time I wrote my first post I had at least 5 posts I knew I was going to do. This was one of them.

When I envisioned it I didn't know it would grow to what it is about to be. I've had some very personal talks with some of my closest friends, none of which are mothers and I polled other mothers of daughters, most the same age as my daughter. Now I'm both intimidated and scared to write this post...I got too much material to use and I'm afraid to disappoint. I hope this post lives up to the women who offered their opinions to help me and I hope it does my friends some justice. Here goes...

When I found out I was pregnant I knew she was a girl. I know all mothers say that but I absolutely knew it, her first move just solidified my thoughts...she seemed like my little girl in there. Sometime in October of 2011, it was confirmed when I saw her little labias in a full on potty shot during the anatomy ultrasound. I was both relieved and overjoyed. Relieved because I was afraid, actually terrified of raising a black man in America (but that's a whole 'nother post)....I was also overjoyed because everyone wants a mini me right? Then I realized perhaps my relief was a tad bit early and misplaced. Does a mini me mean she'll have to make the same mistakes I did? Will she have to face all the growing pains becoming a woman I did? Would she be pregnant in college like I was?? I began an all new fear for raising my daughter...I've formed them into questions that I asked other mothers of girls.

1. What's the hardest (or what do you think) the hardest part about raising girls is (or will be)? The answers were pretty much split in the middle between two responses. The first was teaching her self worth outside of boys especially during teenage years. Most mommies mentioned mistakes they had made during that time or how it would be difficult to teach her something they didn't learn until later in life...some still haven't learned it. The other most popular response was teaching her that she can do anything in this "man's world". The difference between how society views boys and girls is instantly noticable from birth. Infant boy clothes have "Mommie's Little Man" or "Daddy's Little Football Player" or other adjectives like "strong" or "bold" on them while infant girl clothes say things like "Mommie's Little Diva" or "Pretty Girl" or "sweet" and "precious"...things that imply fragility. Why can't our daughters be bold or strong? The answers didn't surprise me at all because they are some of the things I think will be difficult too. I think finding that healthy balance of guidance and freedom to express herself will be the most difficult part of raising my daughter. How do I guide her in the direction of being self assertive but understand the gender roles society will want her to fit into? How do I teach her self worth when the only reason I acknowledge I'm worthy is because of her? She taught me self worth, her arrival made me realize that God thinks I'm worthy of such an extraordinary gift...a lesson I didn't learn until I was 22 so how will I teach her now or at 13? 
2. What's your worst fear for your daughter? (Besides the obvious...death) People mentioned the other "obvious" ones like rape/molestation and abduction...I think those are the same no matter what sex child. The resounding common answer was in some form or another that their daughters will follow in their footsteps either in drug use, looking for love in all the wrong places or eating disorders and self loathing. While I was glad a lot of people were honest I was also taken aback. It's natural to want your children to be better and do better than you, what shocked me the most is that these women are daughters also. Where did their parents go "wrong" with them? What were/are they lacking that they plan on making sure their daughters have? I think the scary answer is not many people (especially without professional help) can pinpoint exactly what led them down a self loathing path...I hope the cycle doesn't repeat. My worst fear (besides the obvious) is that my daughter will one day feel like I failed her. It may sound self absorbed but that's not my intent. From the first two lines on the home pregnancy test, I decided to dedicate my life to making sure my daughter had a good one so if she thinks I failed at the ONLY thing I've ever set out to do with so much vigor I will have failed her. Right now my little 17 month old thinks the light shines out my ass, I'm afraid of the day she realizes it doesn't. 
3. What could your daughter do that would make you feel like you failed her as a parent? Unsurprisingly the responses I got were sex related. People would feel like they failed if their daughter became a porn star, stripper, low self esteem sex slave or drug using whore. These answers didn't surprise me because that's how society is, sex is not for women. Women who have sex are bad, especially women who have sex and people know it (i.e. porn star). If you're a woman you must only have sex with your husband to make babies, don't enjoy it, don't talk about it, don't even imply it happened...the stork brought the baby. Now, I am oversimplifying because there's also the notion (which I believe to be true) that for girls, especially teen girls sexual activity is almost indirectly proportional to self esteem. [Keep in mind here, my scientific background will not allow me to use "directly" in this case because by definition it is an inverse relationship, when one goes up the other goes down (i.e. y = 1/x). Most people would use "directly" to show that they are "directly" related...so read it that way but know that a direct relationship they either both increase or decrease together (i.e. y = x). I digress...] Girls tend to use sex as a way to feel better, or prettier, or loved more than guys I ASSume. The answers (or lack thereof) that did surprise me is that only 2 people mentioned they'd feel like a failure if their daughter didn't go to college. It struck me as odd because this is the same group of women that didn't want their daughter to be bounded in this "man's world"...I wonder if more people would have mentioned college for their sons? The last type of response I got on this question was that these mothers would feel like a failure if their daughters thought they couldn't express themselves or come to them with their thoughts/fears/problems for whatever reason. I completely agree with the last. Though I would be disappointed (ok, slightly more than disappointed more like livid, embarrassed, grossed out)  if my Park became a porn star, I wouldn't feel like a parental failure, I would be disappointed (read: PISSED) if my daughter didn't go to college but then I won't feel like I failed her...if my baby couldn't bring her problems or thoughts or fears to me, I would absolutely feel like a failure. I don't want her to think I could ever judge her, or stop loving her for any reason.
4. What challenges in growing up do you think girls face that boys don't? Self esteem/body image issues. I've pretty much belabored the point this late in the post so I won't go into more detail, you get it. The only one I'd add is the super obvious...periods. That's a beast to deal with especially if your body matures faster than your mind, which is the case for a lot of girls. I feel bad for the 4th graders on their periods because they have a lot of responsibility to deal with when they just want to swing on the monkey bars...

Now the other side of the coin. My friends and I had a very open talk, which is quite normal for us. We've discussed everything but this time the conversation hit me very differently. In this particular group I'm the only mother. We talked about motherhood and fears and our mothers. I cried. Even recalling the convo in my mind, I'm getting teary. Some things said literally hurt my heart and some things said made my heart leap for joy. There are all different types of mother-daughter relationships in this group and each has its different complications. One friend was estranged from her mother for about a year...she realized through an experience in her own life she had some unresolved "mommie issues". She related her love to her mother as one experienced by an abused wife...a "love by default". I cried for her mother because I could only imagine how hurt I would feel if Parker said that about me. [They are working on their relationship and they both want better, so I'm hopeful.] 

One of the most powerful quotes that came from the conversation was: "I think with moms there comes a point where you realize that they are just people...people who put their own emotional struggles on their daughters in an attempt to do good but not quite realizing that you have a different road to walk." *cues tears* I cried for two reasons on this one...I have lost the ability to think of myself as a daughter, I am a mother. When I became a mother I finally realized this, my mom is a person, a person raising another person (well people) and she did what she thought was best. This comment also gave me hope, that one day my daughter will understand that I am a person too. That my mistakes don't have to be hers, that my imperfections are just that and not any lack of love I feel for her. One day she'll forgive me for something I didn't mean to do to her...when she finally does realize the sun doesn't shine out my butt she'll be okay because I am a person! 

Parker, my first born, I am your mama, I have fears but I won't let my fears define you, I have imperfections but they are not your fault, you are worthy of everything this life has to offer and I hope to make sure you only get the good stuff. Daughters...we are worthy too.

On Facebook Philosophers

Hello there!

So this has been weighing on my heart (lol), so let's talk about it...social media philosophers. I'm not talking about the people that post about current events that's necessary, social media fueled the Egyptian Revolution. I'm also not talking about the ones on your news feed or timeline that post biblical or inspiration verses from well known and respected people in their field...I'd actually thank some of these people because sometimes I come across a post and it's exactly what I needed to hear at that moment, so thanks!

No, I'm talking about the ones that make you question why you're still their "friend", cousin or even sibling. The kind that "drop knowledge" via grievous grammatical errors and occasionally ALL CAPS or cOoL sH!t L1Ke ThIs. Yep, you have an idea of who I'm talking about now? I've deemed this people "social media philosophers". If you do laugh along this post with me, if you find that you are one of these people please read how it's being perceived and laugh along with us :)

So I've found there are only a handful of things these "social media philosophers" talk about:

1. "How to get a man." This is usually posted by a single someone, actually someone who you've never even known to date anyone in the whole time you've been associated with this person. Once you've moved past that to read the actual "advice" it makes you turn your head and stare sideways at your screen. It's usually some sort of sexual act you need to perform, something you should cook or wear, or how you should be on your grind. Often the statement is ended by something like "men like a girl on her shit". *record stop* Broad what?! Soooo I should only cook certain things, wear certain things or attempt to make something of myself so I can get a man? Oh.
2. "How to keep a man." This will probably be the following post of the aforementioned person, or someone in a new relationship because who knows how better to have a successful long lasting relationship than someone who has been in one for 2 weeks? These posts are oftentimes accompanied with pictures. Pictures of over-seasoned food on paper plates captioned "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" or "real women cook for they [yes, they] man". Or pictures of a certain leafy drug all neatly rolled with a caption of some Wiz Khalifa song lyric about how good girlfriends roll blunts for their man. Sooooo you don't need to eat, you only cook for a man? Oh, ok.
3. "Men ain't shit." My favorite type of posts because this is usually posted by some of the thirstiest broads you know. These posters are the bipolar type; right after they talk about how men ain't shit they follow it up with a post about how they're lonely and waiting for Mr. Right. These are the type of statuses where you get all peoples' goals and aspirations. Example: "Damn I just want somebody down for me that I can be down for, we can grind together, share a bottle of Henny and a blunt, wake up and do it all again. But they rather be out here with hoes that's not down for them. Ugh, men just ain't shit." I'll leave you to identify everything wrong with that statement...
4. And lastly, "fake friends". Now this comes in all different shapes and forms, some are valid, some are ridiculous. How I feel about it...everybody doesn't love the way you love. You have to let people love you their way and sometimes it's not your way but that doesn't make them a bad person. When picking friends you accept people for the way they are or move the hell on. And if you choose to move on, do so quietly and not on my Facebook news feed :)

So thanks social media philosophers for informing me that my whole being, from what I wear, drink, cook/eat, watch, and want to become revolves around men. Who woulda thunk it?! hahahahaha :P